The story below is satire and was written for April Fool’s Day 2024.

According to local resident, Zrayden Smith was just your ordinary man. Going out to bars on the weekends, watching thirty-six hours of combined sports everyday, and chopping his own firewood were common activities for him. This was until he was walking down Fourth Street on his way to start his six hours of weightlifting, and he saw something. Little did he know that this something would forever change Smith’s life.

I was lucky enough to be able to talk with Zrayden Smith himself, and in this interview, he said that “I was walking down the street while George Thorogood “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” was playing” when the incident occurred. This is when he saw it. To his horror, walking the opposite way he was, he saw two grown men holding hands. 

After the incident occurred, friends of Smith reportedly said that he was a totally different man. A close friend of Smith was reported as saying that “[Smith] has changed entirely. [They] used to go to the bar every Friday night and drink enough beer that [they] wouldn’t remember anything that happened that night. Now [Smith] refuses to go out drinking because Rupaul’s Drag Race is on and ‘he can’t miss it.’” 

Another friend was reported as saying that he and Smith used to “hit the gym” eight out of seven days a week. However, after Smith’s “accident,” the only exercise Smith gets is following K-pop dance tutorials. An anonymous stranger wrote to this newspaper saying that they caught Smith listening to Britney Spears, so clearly his condition is worsening. Along with these witnesses, several people reportedly saw Smith admiring other men. An update to this story is coming soon. /jk